What is Trauma Bonding? 3 Signs & What It Could Mean for Your Relationship - Sun and Planets Spirituality AYINRIN
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You, like me, may have quickly assumed “trauma bonding” meant two people connecting over a shared emotional or traumatic experience.
But here’s the truth: Trauma bonding actually refers to an attachment developed in an abusive relationship. In other words, the victim becomes attached to the person causing harm to them, whether that be emotional or physical harm.
As we all know, leaving a relationship is never easy. Yet, recognizing the signs of a trauma bond can help you navigate through an unhealthy bond and muster up the courage to leave. So, let’s take a closer look at what trauma bonding is and how you can spot it.
What Triggers Trauma Bond?
Trauma bonding is triggered by a cycle of:
- Abuse (emotional or physical)
- Devaluation (or other manipulative tactics)
- Positive reinforcement
- And a pattern of all of the above
During the positive reinforcement stage of the cycle, one might find themselves showered with love, affection, or even gifts. This is primarily where the bond develops, where one may believe that their abuser can be kind or is that person despite ongoing abuse.
Examples of trauma bonding further include between friends, colleagues, boyfriend and girlfriend, kidnapper and the hostage, a child and their caregiver, and even a leader and a cult.
What Are the 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding?
Typically, trauma bonding follows seven stages. However, it may look slightly different in different situations. Generally, though, the stages are as follows.
- Stage 1: Love Bombing. This is where it feels euphoric and intense. The victim is showered with affection, compliments, and more. It can be confusing as this shows the abuser in the complete opposite light.
- Stage 2: Gaining Trust. Typically, this involves false promises or rushing of commitments, such as moving in together or marriage.
- Stage 3: Subtle Shift. Here is where the criticism starts. They might belittle you or try to convince you that your feelings are wrong. Nothing the victim does pleases the abuser.
- Stage 4: Gaslighting. The abuser gets you to question your reality. They will twist facts, leading you to question your own sanity.
- Stage 5: Submission. The abused comes to the realization that no matter what they do, they are in the wrong. At this stage, you might find yourself feeling more and more emotionally spent.
- Stage 6: Loss of Identity. This is where you may begin to lose your sense of self. You begin to develop low self-esteem and may withdraw from activities or interactions previously enjoyed.
- Stage 7: Emotional Addiction. While the relationship may seem like an emotional rollercoaster, the abused tends to crave relief from their partner and may become dependent.
You, like me, may have quickly assumed “trauma bonding” meant two people connecting over a shared emotional or traumatic experience.
But here’s the truth: Trauma bonding actually refers to an attachment developed in an abusive relationship. In other words, the victim becomes attached to the person causing harm to them, whether that be emotional or physical harm.
As we all know, leaving a relationship is never easy. Yet, recognizing the signs of a trauma bond can help you navigate through an unhealthy bond and muster up the courage to leave. So, let’s take a closer look at what trauma bonding is and how you can spot it.
What Triggers Trauma Bond?
Trauma bonding is triggered by a cycle of:
- Abuse (emotional or physical)
- Devaluation (or other manipulative tactics)
- Positive reinforcement
- And a pattern of all of the above
During the positive reinforcement stage of the cycle, one might find themselves showered with love, affection, or even gifts. This is primarily where the bond develops, where one may believe that their abuser can be kind or is that person despite ongoing abuse.
Examples of trauma bonding further include between friends, colleagues, boyfriend and girlfriend, kidnapper and the hostage, a child and their caregiver, and even a leader and a cult.
Related Article: 8 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse: What You Need to Look for
What Are the 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding?
Typically, trauma bonding follows seven stages. However, it may look slightly different in different situations. Generally, though, the stages are as follows.
- Stage 1: Love Bombing. This is where it feels euphoric and intense. The victim is showered with affection, compliments, and more. It can be confusing as this shows the abuser in the complete opposite light.
- Stage 2: Gaining Trust. Typically, this involves false promises or rushing of commitments, such as moving in together or marriage.
- Stage 3: Subtle Shift. Here is where the criticism starts. They might belittle you or try to convince you that your feelings are wrong. Nothing the victim does pleases the abuser.
- Stage 4: Gaslighting. The abuser gets you to question your reality. They will twist facts, leading you to question your own sanity.
- Stage 5: Submission. The abused comes to the realization that no matter what they do, they are in the wrong. At this stage, you might find yourself feeling more and more emotionally spent.
- Stage 6: Loss of Identity. This is where you may begin to lose your sense of self. You begin to develop low self-esteem and may withdraw from activities or interactions previously enjoyed.
- Stage 7: Emotional Addiction. While the relationship may seem like an emotional rollercoaster, the abused tends to crave relief from their partner and may become dependent.
Related Article: Grooming & Abuse: 6 Dangerous Signs to Be Aware of
What Are 3 Signs of a Trauma Bond?
So, how do you know if it’s happening to you? Three major signs include:
- Love bombing
- An imbalance of power
- Making excuses for the abuser’s behavior
On top of this, you might notice…
- When you try to leave, you feel overly emotional.
- When you try to leave, they love bomb you and make claims to change.
- You feel like you don’t know your partner or like them.
- You focus on the “good days,” even though there is an obvious cycle.
- You protect them.
It can be a confusing ordeal being stuck in the trauma bonding cycle. On the one hand, you know it’s wrong. But on the other, it feels impossible to leave.
What Are the Red Flags of Trauma Bonding?
If you’re still unsure if you’re experiencing this, ask yourself the following questions.
- Are you isolated from your family and friends?
- Does the relationship often feel hot and cold?
- Do you obsess about the relationship?
- Have others expressed concerns about the relationship?
- Does it feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner/colleague/friend?
- Do you often feel like this is the only person who can meet your needs?
- Do you find yourself feeling overly appreciative of love, affection, and gifts after an abusive episode?
If you answer “yes” to many of the above questions, you may be stuck in a trauma-bonding style relationship. And no, it doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship to be trauma bonding; this can also occur between friends, family members, colleagues, and more.
At the End of the Day…
If you feel your self-worth declining in any relationship or situation, this is a huge sign that something isn’t right.
In the right setting and surrounded by the right people, your self-esteem should be maintained or improved. If you think all of the above sounds like sometimes you’re experiencing, it’s important to talk to a professional to uncover how to navigate your specific situation.
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