4 Common Fight Languages Every Couple Should Know - Sun and Planets Spirituality AYINRIN
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At this point, many of you have probably at least heard of the five famous love languages, which include:
- Physical touch
- Quality time
- Words of affirmation
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
From Gary Chapman's work on the subject, we know that there are different ways of showing love, and in turn, every person likes to receive love in a particular manner.
What most of us do not realize is that, just as we have a certain way of communicating love and happiness, we also have a particular way of behaving when things go the other way.
And so, this article is all about 'fight languages.'
What are Fight Languages?
A "fight language" refers to the specific ways individuals express themselves during conflicts or arguments.
It encompasses the verbal and non-verbal communication styles, behaviours, and strategies people use when they are upset or disagree with someone. Basically, they shape how we manage conflict and engage with others when we are upset.
Just as knowing our partners’ love languages helps us make them feel loved, understanding someone's fight language can be helpful in managing conflicts more effectively and finding resolutions.
Without this understanding, it is easy to misinterpret the other person’s feelings, miscommunicate and end up in a vicious cycle where conflict is never properly addressed.
Below are some of the common fight languages you might recognize.
4 Fight Languages That Exist in Relationships
1. Deflection.
This language is common in people who prefer not to tackle the issue at hand and especially when it is burning hot.
They will do their best to avoid talking about the current conflict, and they might do so by using humour or talking about an entirely different topic.
The humour and jokes act as a way to disrupt the issue that needs to be addressed. In this way, they undermine the importance of addressing the conflict. Moreover, they might show interest in addressing some issues that are of lesser intensity just so they avoid the core issue.
Understanding that this is one’s way of dealing with conflict will allow everyone involved to be more upfront and discuss the importance of conflict resolution rather than deflecting from it.
People who deflect need to understand that the issue will not go away just because it has not been addressed. Rather, it will simply get buried and might likely get worse over time.
2 & 3. Withdrawal and Disengaging.
These two are different yet very similar, and that’s why I decided to write about them together.
The difference between the two lies in the intention.
When one withdraws from the conflict, the intention is to punish the other person. Think about silent treatment as one of the withdrawal methods. By withholding love, affection, and communication, one will be attempting to control the other person.
They will be suggesting that, "unless things go my way, I will deprive you of what you expect". If you have ever been with someone who withdraws and gives silent treatment, you know how emotionally torturing it is for the other person.
On the other hand, the intention of disengaging is to give yourself time to calm down and for things to cool off before you can discuss the issue and address the conflict.
There is no cruel intention or selfish reasoning behind disengaging. Instead, it is to allow both parties to have some time to think about the conflict and do some introspection and inner work.
This way, when they come together to address the issue, everything is well thought out. There is less chance of saying the wrong things and unintentionally hurting the other person.
4. Aggressive Confrontation.
This is the upfront assertiveness that most of us find uncomfortable.
People who take this approach voice their concerns in an often domineering tone.
They stir the conversation, typically not paying attention to the other person’s perspective. Their perspective is the only valid one. That only their emotions and feelings that should be recognized and acknowledged.
Unfortunately, the other person is usually left unheard.
It is important to understand that when there is conflict, there is more than one party involved, and both parties deserve to be heard and respected. There is a fine line between communicating your feelings/perspective and aggressively dominating the conversation and undermining everyone else.
Fight Languages: How We Argue Matters!
Understanding one's own fight language and that of others can improve conflict resolution by promoting better communication, empathy, and understanding.
It can help individuals navigate conflicts more effectively, fostering healthier and more productive relationships.
We all have to do some groundwork and understand the roots of our fight languages.
In some cases, we might require therapy or other forms of working on ourselves. In this way, we deal with the background issues that detect our fight languages.
If you are interested in broadening your understanding of the fight languages, the book, Fight Languages: Turn Conflict into Connection by Lena Morgan can be very helpful.
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