As
a working parent of a teen myself, I could relate to Todd’s situation.
The parenting needs of teenagers and the need to balance career and
family don’t go away just because our kids become more independent — they just change.
The
good news for Todd was that the more he described the recent exchange
with his son, the more eerily familiar it sounded to the 360 feedback I
had collected for him from his colleagues. Todd’s coaching program was
focused on evolving his leadership and communications style to better
reflect the “leader of leaders” he was becoming, as a manager of more
senior folks in his organization.
Todd
and I discussed how raising teens is like leading other leaders in some
ways — working with people who developmentally crave more autonomy and
are seeking more empowerment and freedom. His son shared that sometimes
it felt like his dad wasn’t listening but rather was still directing,
telling, and teaching him like when he was a younger boy. Since Todd’s
colleagues had made similar observations in his 360, he wondered what
leadership and communications tools he was developing as a leader of
leaders that he could draw on and apply at home as well. Here are some
of the tactics that worked for Todd that may help you apply strengths
from work to interact with your teen in a more positive way.
Reset your role.
Recognize
that your teen now has more life experience. Like a leader grooming a
successor or protégé, think of yourself as a guide or coach who is
setting up another person to spread their wings and be fully independent
in your absence. Bring a development focus
and meet your teen where they are now. This includes assessing their
current life skills and acknowledging that they are growing up. Name the
change or transition you are in as parent and child and determine
together where they could take on more responsibilities with regard to
chores or what set of decisions they can start to make more on their
own.
Actively
work to build their self-efficacy by offering more opportunities to
engage in experiences that will help them develop their skills,
judgment, and resilience. This could include things like independently
navigating public transportation to get to school or taking on a
part-time job.
Redefine boundaries.
In
order to safely encourage and offer a greater range of decision-making
and growth experiences, one of the most important tools for a leader of
leaders is reexamining boundaries
and assessing risk. Sometimes when leaders receive feedback to “empower
more,” they swing the pendulum too far by being too hands off.
Loosening the reins without some level of intentionality can result in
inadvertently putting someone in a situation they are not yet equipped
to handle or where the risks are too high. Your goal is to safely widen
the guardrails while empowering and offering autonomy within new limits.
With
our teens, resetting boundaries allows us to more safely offer rope
while still providing clarity on curfews, home chores, and family
values. Consider activities where you can allow your teen to take more
initiative, such as searching for summer internships or engaging in
trial and error (even if you don’t like the new haircut that results).
The key is to allow more room for your teen to discover their own
authentic way of getting something done effectively.
As
you see your teen making more decisions for themselves, ask open-ended
questions to better understand what is on their mind, uncover their
assumptions, and learn how your kid reasons through things. Help your
teen discover some of their own answers by asking great questions and
engaging their own developing reflective capacity and introspection. By
really understanding and hearing where they are, you can help them to
brainstorm ideas and solutions or offer additional perspectives on their
thinking.
When
Todd’s son received his learner’s permit to drive, Todd noticed his own
desire to micromanage what roads they took to get to a certain
destination. He paused and remembered to serve as a guide and coach, and
instead asked his son how he was deciding what route to take. This led
to a great discussion. Todd’s son shared that he was a really visual
person, so he used Google Maps in advance of a practice run to see what
route he wanted to try. Todd shared that he considered factors like
weather, time of day, and areas prone to traffic jams or visibility
challenges when he set out somewhere. While Todd upheld all the rules
and standards that the learning permit period required, he was mindful
to give his son space to try out different routes and practice different
forms of car maintenance, such as filling up the gas tank and checking
the air pressure in the tires.
Todd
started to see that his role as a leader at work and a father at home
meant being clear about responsibilities, desired outcomes, and
accountabilities; it was not about enforcing others to puppet him and do
things in his exact own way.
Observe, listen, and seek to understand.
As
Todd began using more of a coaching style with his teen and focused on
becoming a more active listener, he slowed down to observe his son’s
day, listen, and ask more questions. In doing so, he came to appreciate
more fully the daily challenges and stresses of being a teen. Todd could
better see just how much his son was juggling — from being in class
with a mask on all day to participating in various activities and sports
(which consumed much of his time after school) to then having to
complete hours of homework after dinner.
By acknowledging and sharing what he observed, Todd’s son increasingly felt more seen
and understood by his dad. It helped them to see why sometimes they
both ended up with short fuses during late-evening conversations. Rather
than fixing or solving, Todd realized that sometimes, his son just
needed to vent about his stressful day and wanted an empathetic ear.
We
can proactively demonstrate curiosity in everyday life to better
understand what excites or motivates our teens. Even small things such
as asking them to cue up their latest playlist in the car to hear what
music moves them or to ask more about why history is currently their
favorite class can provide a window into their world.
Schedule time versus “swooping in” on your teen.
As
Todd listened more actively and showed more empathy and openness, his
son was able to more courageously share with Todd that the thing that
caused him the most frustration was when he felt Todd “swooped in.”
Every time they were finally together, Todd would think of something he
wanted to check in on — “What’s going on with college and SAT
preparation?,” “Have you turned in that check the sports team needs?”
and so on. Each time, his son felt “invaded,” which led to frustrating
interactions.
Like leaders who “swoop in”
on their teams and create disarray and fire drills, Todd was doing the
same at home. Todd and his son agreed to grab some scheduled quality
one-on-one time together each week so that they could consolidate the
many questions or thoughts on important topics like summer internships,
college preparation, and family logistics. They even created a shared
Google doc where either could log a question or thought to avoid
interrupting homework flow or precious downtime when his son was finally
catching a break from the stress of the day.
Never
would Todd have imagined at the start of our coaching work together
that expanding his leader of leaders toolkit and building new coaching
muscles would allow him to derive benefits well beyond work. He started
to look for learnings from one part of his life to actively apply in
another. For a busy working parent,
that kind of reciprocal benefit brings increases in energy and momentum
and creates a virtuous cycle in a holistic life. Todd’s program also
sharpened his own sense of purpose as a leader and father — investing in
the success of others’ growth, helping people gain skills and judgment
they can carry with them, and feeling more assured that they’ll be able
to move forward with confidence when it’s time for them to leave the
nest. Was this article helpful? Connect with me.
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