As
a working mom or dad staring down September and October — unbelievably,
Months 18 and 19 of this pandemic — do you feel a bit the same way?
Sure, you soldiered through the first year-plus of Covid-19, using every
ounce of grit you had. And then you (rightfully) used these past few
months to pull back at work and tune out the news, hoping to regroup,
recharge, and get ready for what we all hoped would be a much easier New
Normal. But now so many pandemic uncertainties still linger, and you’re
still feeling the big-time hit that the past year had on you — on your
energies, your confidence. And now vacation is over, school is gearing
back up, the return to in-person work is here or looming, and your
clients are expecting you to travel again. Which leaves you in a
difficult place: How can I face all of the changes in these coming months when I’m feeling this depleted?
If
that’s where your head is right now, know that you’re not alone. Every
single one of the dozens of working moms and dads I’ve coached over
these past several weeks has voiced some version of the “I’m driving on
empty” feeling. Just like many of them, you may have tried to suppress
all thoughts of the Return as you enjoyed the last few days of vacation.
Or you may be sensing the tension so acutely that you’re actively
considering big, structural life changes, like quitting your job or
switching careers, or even toying with “escape” options, like moving
across the country and living off the grid.
Whatever
the case, let’s get you out from under that disempowered, ground-down
feeling. Even if you are planning a big life change, you don’t want to
navigate it feeling this shredded. And you don’t want to get the kids
settled in school or ramp back up at work or go on job interviews when
your energies are at this
level — do you? While recognizing that the headspace you’re in is
completely and totally normal, let’s do what we can, right here and
right now, to find you some new working-parent fuel.
These six simple tools and self-hacks will help you start filling your tank. Scan over the list, and pick a few to try.
Technique #1: Round up.
The idea: To get that sense of forward momentum you’re craving, you need to look back at your own accomplishments.
What to do:
Take 15 minutes, and, either in your own mind or on a piece of paper,
make a list of things you’ve managed to deliver, for work and for your
family, since March of 2020. Resist the urge to downplay or be
sarcastic. (“I watched more Netflix and ate more carbs than I thought
humanly possible” may be true, but it doesn’t belong here.) Did you
manage to keep the team’s revenues up despite slow shipments from your
suppliers? Jot that down. Are you the cook in your family of four? Then
you prepared or sourced 6,120 individual meals for yourself and the kids
— enough, literally, to feed an army.
Go
broad: consider work goals, relationships, the kids’ development. And
don’t expect the bullet points you come up with to look like ones on a
professional CV — remember, this is just for you. If “never totally lost
it in a Zoom meeting, even while my boss was being her most annoying”
or “made bedtime a calm experience for the kids, even during lockdown”
were major accomplishments, include them on your list. In other words,
give yourself proper, adequate credit for your achievements, and your
grit, and your patience, over the last year. Are there significant
challenges ahead? No doubt. But once you’ve soaked in the Superhero-ness
of what you’ve already managed to accomplish, you’ll feel more ready to
meet them.
Technique #2: Close it out.
The idea:
The human mind craves completion. We need to finish off A before we can
fully focus on and do our best at B. For example, when work is divided
into quarterly reporting periods, we can tell ourselves, “What’s done is
done, and over with. Now, onto the next.” Apply that same approach
here: close out the past — so you can free yourself up for what’s
coming.
What to do:
Think about your pandemic experience in phases, and assign each one a
label. Your labels can be serious or flippant, basic or unique. Maybe
there was the I Can’t-Believe-This-Is-Happening Period, the Uneasy
Summer of 2020, the Endless Zoom-School Winter of 2020-21, and so forth.
When you’ve got them in mind, or on a piece of paper, then draw a big,
thick, line between them and the phase you’re entering now. Maybe you’re
starting Job Search Process Autumn, or you’re thinking of these next
few months as “get used to being a new dad, while back in the office”
period. For better or worse, those past months of the pandemic are done
and dusted — and you’re not going to carry their weight around anymore.
If it helps, write the past phase-names down on paper, and then rip the
sheet up and throw it in the trash, or go on a long run and tell
yourself that “when I’m done with this workout, I will have officially
completed Phase 3 of the pandemic, and will be transitioning into Phase
4.” Whatever works. The point is, you’re pivoting into the future, with a
clean-slate feeling and fresh goals.
Technique #3: Find your “Point of Control.”
The idea:
Yes, the next few months will be hectic and messy. And realistically,
you’re can’t do your very best work or be a calm, centered, attentive
parent when gripped with feelings of chaos. To face what’s coming at
home and career-wise, you need that palpable personal sense of being “on
it.”
What to do:
Find your personal Point of Control. This is a single, small part of
your life that you have complete authority over, that you can engage
with easily and often, and that provides a disproportionate boost to
your overall sense of wellbeing. It may involve a place, action, object,
habit, or some combination, and it doesn’t have to be “virtuous” or
bear any relation to either your kids or your job. Your point of control
might be keeping the car in excellent working order, with the trunk and
seating areas free of junk and debris. It might also be doing the same
5-minute exercise routine each morning; organizing your closet so that
all your clothes are tidy and lined up neatly by color; making yourself a
terrific cup of coffee each morning with your special espresso maker;
or meditating or praying. One of my clients’ found that theirs is
restoring antique furniture. The what
doesn’t matter as much as the what this gives me. Amidst the go-go-go
and shifting conditions of the next few months, your point of control
will allow you to feel more like an in-control person, regardless of
circumstances.
Technique #4: Future anchor.
The idea:
If you have a positive mental picture of where you want to be as a
professional, parent, and person months or years from now, the tsunami
of to-do’s and stressors you encounter today won’t loom quite as large.
All the work and hours you’re putting in now will feel like they’re
actually leading somewhere — somewhere you’ve chosen.
What to do:
Imagine it’s a year from now. The pandemic has ebbed, and you’re in a
good place. What does that look like? Maybe your twins are thriving in
in-person school, and you’ve happier due to a new flexibility
arrangement you managed to swing at work. If that’s how you’re anchoring
your future, then yes, carpool logistics and school closures will still
be a strain, work demanding, and the negotiations with your boss about
the new hybrid work arrangements fraught. But suddenly, they’re a means
to an end. You can see through the stress and to a better, happier
working-parent place.
Technique #5: Give your career some attention.
The idea:
You’ve put in long hours throughout the pandemic, but it feels more
like you’re processing work — getting stuff done, producing widgets —
than gaining traction in your career. And for someone as committed to
your field or function or success as you are, that’s depressing. It’s
time to pay attention to your future, and not just your to-do list.
What to do:
Find a bite-sized chunk of time each week — 15 minutes is fine — to
turn your attention completely towards your career and professional
advancement. That might mean looking at the LinkedIn profiles of some of
the people you most admire in your industry and thinking how their
career moves might inform your own next steps. Or reconnecting with a
past colleague to keep your network fresh. You’ve worked so hard to
“make it happen” for your team and organization throughout Covid. Now
shift at least some small amount of your focus back to where you want
all that work to take you.
Technique #6: Mentor another working parent.
The idea:
When you share your talent, experience, and knowledge with other
people, you immediately feel more generous and capable — and at this
point in the pandemic, those feelings are worth their weight in gold.
You don’t have a lot free time to throw at mentoring, but you can still
get that pay-it-forward satisfaction and psychological boost if you do
it smartly.
What to do:
Find another working mom or dad a bit further back in the journey than
you. Maybe there’s team member who became a parent during the pandemic,
or who just joined the organization, or whose kids are about to start
school. Make a time-limited offer: “Things are busy over the next few
weeks, but if you ever want to spend 20 minutes together, and I can
share some thoughts about how to make it happen here as a working mom or
dad, I’m yours.”
***
As
you read over these techniques, perhaps one jumped out as a good next
step — or you tried it out, and it worked, or it didn’t, and so you
moved on to the next. Whatever the case, you’ve just taken a critical,
proactive step forward. At the most difficult moment of your
working-parent experience, you’ve taken charge and put both hands firmly
on the steering wheel again. You’re finding new ways to be a committed
professional, a loving parent, and yourself at the same time.
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