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4 Conversations Every Overwhelmed Working Parent Should Have - Sun and Planets Spirituality AYINRIN
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Summary.
Pulling
off the working-parent balance can be incredibly challenging. But the
first step is an open and honest conversation about how to establish a
healthy balance. To start to work towards that, the authors recommend
initiating four key conversations: one with yourself, one with your
boss, one with your children, and one with your partner. These
conversations can be challenging — but they’re the best (and only) way
to achieve the changes you want to see at home and at work.
Working
parents sometimes struggle with the feeling that they are either
letting down their family or not meeting their career goals. It can be
hard to strike the right balance. As with most of the challenges we face
at work, having an open and honest conversation is one of the first
steps toward finding a solution. If you’re able to talk about the issue,
you can often resolve it, or at least come to a compromise.
One
of us, Brittney, became a mom six years ago and went through this
experience of renegotiating boundaries in an intentional way. The other,
Joseph, saw how Brittney’s skill in doing this not only made Brittney
happier but also changed our whole company culture to be more supportive
of working parents.
If
you are a parent looking to establish and sustain a healthier balance —
for yourself, your children, and even your organization — there are
four specific types of conversations we recommend having.
A conversation with yourself.
The first ongoing conversation you need to have is with yourself. You
have to clarify who you are and what you want before you can confidently
negotiate your boundaries. If you fail to hold this initial
conversation, emotion can override reason, and it’s easy to get caught
up in an unwinnable game of pleasing someone else rather than choosing what is right for you. Having this conversation with yourself first will make all the other conversations less stressful.
A conversation with your boss and colleagues. View this as an ongoing tactical conversation in which you negotiate the specifics of your schedule and workload.
You and Your Team Series
Working Parents
Sit
down with your boss and teammates and let them know of your passion for
your career and your work-related goals, and then unapologetically
share how your family commitments relate to these priorities. For
example, you might say, “I want to manage large projects. I’m at my best
when I’m getting important things done. I’m willing to sprint for short
periods of time to ensure that everything works. But these sprints will
have to be occasional. I also intend to be a consistent presence in my
children’s lives.” Having laid these principles out frankly, check to
see if your colleagues are expressing mild disappointment, support, or
simply concession. If they buy in grudgingly, you should expect worse
when your boundaries cost them in specific ways.
It’s
possible that your teammates won’t support the life you are committed
to creating for yourself. But remember — even if this conversation goes
poorly, you haven’t failed. Knowing where everybody stands will provide
you with the information you need to make the best choice about how to
move forward with your career. You might find that leaving the
organization and finding a more supportive company is the best way for
you to reach your goals and avoid the alternative: a slow, inexorable
path to separation.
When
Brittney returned to work, she was initially nervous to ask her manager
for more flexibility and a slightly reduced schedule, which she felt
she needed to have more time at home. Ultimately, their conversation was
successful because she strongly believed that a more flexible schedule
would allow her to better meet her obligations at home and at the office.
A conversation with your partner or spouse. Speak
honestly with your partner or spouse about your common goals for your
children. If, for example, you both agree that it’s essential for at
least one parent to be present at important events in your child’s life,
then find ways to tag-team these commitments. You may be willing to
speak to your boss about your work-life balance goals, but if your
partner isn’t willing to do the same, it will be challenging to meet the
goals you set and the two of you may fall into mutual resentment.
Encourage your partner to hold these difficult conversations at their
workplace so that together you can accomplish your goals.
When
Brittney adjusted her work schedule, her self-employed husband made
similar sacrifices. Though he was working tirelessly to get a business
off the ground, he reduced his schedule to spend time with their son
while Brittney was at the office — and vice versa. This teamwork
approach helped them manage their time in ways that aligned with their
goals.
A conversation with your child(ren). When
your children are old enough to understand, talk frankly with them
about the pressures you feel and what you truly want. However, be
careful to avoid the victim role. Blaming your organization for your
lack of flexibility or stress at home doesn’t solve problems; it creates
unfair and false resentments. The last thing you want to do is teach
your children to despise the idea of work. Instead, model by example.
Acknowledge
all the commitments you’ve willingly made both at work and at home.
Help your children understand the time you spend away from them isn’t
just that — time away. It’s something you value that also contributes to
a happier life at home for the whole family. Talk to your kids about
your passion for your work, the skills you’ve developed to excel at your
position, and how it brings you joy. Explain how much you want to put
them first and that when you can’t, it’s hard on you, too. Don’t brush
off difficult feelings. Own the sadness you might feel when you can’t be
there. Feeling sad together actually creates connection. If your child
sees that it’s hard for you, they can better understand that your
occasional absence is no reflection of your love for them.
When
Brittney was required to travel for her job, she never pretended that
she was being forced to leave by a sinister boss, even if that would’ve
been an easier message to deliver to her kids. She told her boys she
would miss them but that, right now, she had to fulfill other important
responsibilities. Now that her children are older, she talks honestly
with them about schedules and priorities. In these ongoing
conversations, she explains that even when Mom and Dad are busy with
work, the family’s needs are always the top priority.
There’s
no denying these four conversations are challenging to have and may not
always go as well as you planned, depending on your circumstances and
the expectations of your boss, coworkers, and partner. Having them also
doesn’t guarantee that your career won’t be at all affected, especially if you’re a woman.
Unfortunately, we still live in a world where too many women experience
a motherhood penalty of reduced opportunity and compensation in their
careers. Having the four conversations does not guarantee inoculation
against these workplace inequities, but it does guarantee the possibility of achieving the change you want to see in your life. If you never have the conversation, you fail before you try.
Balance
is a never-ending pursuit that requires constant awareness and
communication — but with skill and purpose, it can be done. And as a
parent, what better motivation to establish and sustain a healthy
work-life balance than our children?
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