It’s
natural, normal, and healthy as a parent for your attention to shift
off of yourself to your children and to many times put their needs ahead
of your own at this new stage of life. But many well-meaning parents
can shift their focus so much that they completely lose sight of what
they need to be happy, healthy people — especially if work is also in
the mix. And this lack of self-care can lead to
parental burnout,
which in turn can lead to exceptionally poor parenting, ranging from
aggressive to neglectful, and can cause individuals to start to mentally
“check out” at home and potentially at work.
To
love and care for your children well, you need to love and care for
yourself well. As a time management coach who works with many parents,
here are some steps that I’ve found can lead you in the right direction.
Emphasize the Quality of Your Time
How
much time you spend with your children does matter. And it makes sense
that if you have limited time with your children that you would want to
maximize it.
But
trying to spend all of your time with your kids when you’re not working
or sleeping can lead to you being physically present, but mentally and
emotionally distant. It’s better for you to take some time on your own
to be introverted, exercise, or talk with your spouse or a friend, and
then come back to your children fully ready to engage than it is to be
“with your kids” longer with your eyes glued to the phone, TV, or
laptop, or simply glazed over because you’re mentally checked out.
One
of the biggest gifts you can give your children is to know that they’re
a joy to you — that you see them, know them, and are happy to be with
them. That happens when you light up when they enter the room, emphasize
eye contact, and notice and appreciate what they’re doing. Whether it’s
building with blocks, running around the park, or playing in a game,
your kids are always glancing back at you and their eyes are asking the
questions, “Do you see me? Did you notice me? Do you care? Are you proud
of me?”
You
can’t give them this wholehearted affirmation if you’re burned out and
trying to take a break from them while they’re still there. Allow
yourself to take a break, so you can be fully present.
Define What You Need
Once
you’ve come to some level of acceptance that it’s OK to take care of
yourself, it’s important to define what exactly would help you recharge.
Here are a few common self-care areas I’ve seen for parents:
- exercise
- naps
- time in nature
- reading
- time with spouse or partner
- time with friends
- alone time, especially for introverts
- decluttering time
- prayer
- journaling
- artistic expression like drawing
Identify
simple day-to-day activities that help you feel refreshed so that
you’re ready to be present for your children when you are with them.
Ideally, some of these items can become a regular part of your lifestyle
so that you consistently refill your energy tank before it gets too
low.
Start with Small Shifts — and Then Go Longer
If you feel exceptionally strapped for time, begin with
micro-changes
to carve out regular time for yourself. That could look like even five
to ten minutes at the beginning of the day to stretch, pray, meditate,
or do anything else that centers you. It could mean taking ten minutes
at lunch to read a book. Or taking a quick walk in the afternoon to
refresh physically and mentally. When I have a tight schedule, I’ll take
a five-minute walk where I just go up and down the block. Even that
small bit of physical activity outside can make a measurable difference
in mental health.
Challenge
yourself to find small bits of five to ten minutes throughout your day
for small activities that nourish you. That email can wait — and so can
the dishes. By taking truly satisfying breaks throughout your day,
you’ll reduce the need to “zone out” in the evening.
As
you take more and more micro-breaks, you may discover that you can
carve out longer periods of time to devote to self-care. To ensure
commitment, you may need to incorporate some outside accountability.
That could look like working out with a trainer, signing up for an
exercise class, joining a team, planning to meet with a friend, or
joining a book club. Committing to activities with others that reinforce
the positive investments you want to make in yourself, can help you to
follow through when you’re tempted to just put your needs aside.
Look for Special Opportunities
Most
of the time, you’ll be investing in smaller bits of self-care
throughout your days. But on occasion, you may have the opportunity for
larger blocks of time to recharge. If possible, take them! If you have
family that is able and willing to care for your children, consider a
weekend getaway every once in a while. Or add an extra day on to your
business travel so you can get some refresh time. Look for Parents Night
Out events at places like the YMCA or churches where for a small fee
(or sometimes for free), your children can have a fun time with other
kids and you can get a break. Or even give yourself permission to work
at home some days where you don’t have a commute and have time alone in
your home.
These
opportunities can help you shift out of the feeling like you “never get
a break” and help you come back to your family responsibilities with
renewed energy.
Support Your Spouse or Partner
If
you have a spouse or partner, work together to support one another in
having time to recharge. When you work together to give one another
“time off,” you can avoid either one of you burning out on your
parenting duties. This will not only help you parent better, but it will
also help you have a happier, healthier relationship.
I’ve
seen coaching clients work together with their spouses or partners in
many different ways to take care of the kids so they each could have
some extra time away. In one case, my coaching client had Monday night
to practice with his band, and his wife had Wednesday night for
horseback riding lessons. With another couple, they had different nights
that they spent with their friend groups: The wife had a girls’ night
once a week, and the husband had a night with the guys once a week.
Another couple switched off when they took responsibility for morning
duty so that they each had some mornings where they could go into the
office or workout early. Finally, another had a babysitter come for a
few hours on the weekend, so they could have time as a couple or
accomplish personal tasks without having full responsibility for the
kids.
Could
you spend more time with your kids? Definitely. But will you look back
and regret it if you went through your kids’ childhood being grumpy and
surviving on fumes? For sure. Your children want and need you to be
joyful and connected with yourself so that you can connect with them in a
joyful way. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself, so you
can better take care of your kids.
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