Managing Yourself -
Creative Strategies from Single Parents on Juggling Work and Family - Sun and Planets Spirituality AYINRIN
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Summary.
When it comes to handling the competing demands at work and at home, solo parents do it all — alone. While this can be an incredible challenge, it’s also an opportunity. In the face of tough obstacles, these working parents often develop unique, problem-solving skills. Solo parents realize that there aren’t enough hours in a day. They capitalize on the small amounts of time available to them, even if that’s only half an hour at a time. They also take advantage of unique housing arrangements — whether it is a family member who can help with parenting, shared housing with a fellow single parent, or renting space out for additional income. Solo working parents take special advantage of flexible work schedules and remote work, and design career opportunities within these opportunities. Finally, they build pragmatic support networks to share in childcare, cooking, and other household responsibilities.
The daily challenge of feeding, caring for, and educating children is tough. Add the stress of earning enough money to sustain the family’s well-being and feeling fulfilled in your own career, and it becomes daunting. And solutions that work for each unique family can be hard to come by.
For
solo parents — those who are single, divorced, widowed, or have
partners away from home due to deployment, incarceration, disability, or
work — the challenge is that much harder. Whether it’s staying up late
with a feverish child, needing to stay longer at work, coping with a
sudden emergency, enforcing house rules, or tackling the myriad of
mundane decisions throughout the day, a solo parent does it alone. But
knowing it’s all up to you can also be a profound, and often empowering,
responsibility. It’s
said that necessity is the mother of invention. After my divorce, I
became more self-reliant, creative, and flexible in my parenting because
I had to step up and make it work. As the founder of ESME.com
(Empowering Solo Moms Everywhere), I’ve learned that this ingenuity
isn’t unusual — that solo parents often develop unique, problem-solving
skills in response to their unique situations. Here are just a few that I’ve observed through my own experience and in talking to a variety of single parents that all working parents can learn from as they navigate work and family.
Capitalizing on Stolen Moments
Time
is a solo parents’ enemy — there aren’t enough hours in a day. Because
of this, solo parents must identify where they can save time and
prioritize what’s most important. They know they are not able to do it
all and that something has to give, whether it’s a messy house, an extra
hour of screen time for the kids, a shortened dog walk, or take-out for
dinner (none of which impact their family’s well-being). Aware that
time is a precious commodity, solo parents take advantage of small
moments to connect with their children, fulfill their work
responsibilities, and make the most out of their time by squeezing work
and personal tasks into commutes, sports practices, waiting rooms, and
odd hours. Solo mom and writer Joni Cole notes, “You can achieve good
work in half-hour increments, and they add up.”
Figuring
out ways to remain productive without busy work and long hours, solo
parents challenge long-held assumptions about workplace efficiency and
dedication. Moms who have to squeeze in a school pickup or dads who need
to work from home when a child is sick are equally dedicated as workers
with partners — perhaps even more so. Parenting alone inspires a
healthy reframing of one’s relationship to work which is both
liberating, rewarding, and instructive to those of us who need a
reminder of what’s important.
Setting Up Unique Housing Arrangements
A
solo mom in Los Angeles posted recently to our single moms’ group: “I
am a single mom of two teenage daughters, and one is going off to
college. I am interested in finding another single mom that would be
interested in renting together… Maybe we have opposite parenting
schedules?”
The
traditional nuclear family arrangement doesn’t always support solo
parent families well — financially or logistically. To lower housing
costs and get help with childcare, many solo parents share homes and
rentals or move in with extended family. Atlanta mom Kaleena Weaver
explains, “I bought a house with a basement unit so my mom could move
in. I cover all the bills, and she helps with the kiddo and household
work.” Janelle Hardy single mom from Canada, opted to rent a large house
so she could take in a roommate or two who enjoy being part of a family
environment. Hardy also took part in exchange student programs to
offset costs and have an extra set of hands while raising her children.
Another mother, Lisa Benson, uses part of her home to rent out as an
Airbnb for extra income.
While parents can often set up extended family or friendship households organically, a national organization called Coabode
can help. Their mission is to “connect single mothers whose interest
and parenting philosophy are compatible, with the purpose of sharing a
home and raising children together.” In addition to the clear
psychological and financial benefits, sharing a home with another family
helps solo parents solve many of the logistical issues that come with
raising children on their own, such as how to cover days off from
school. Arranging Atypical Work Schedules
After his wife passed away, Conrod Robinson changed jobs to be closer to home:
I
cut my commute time by more than half so I could make after school
events, cook dinner at home, etc. This allowed me to leave for work at
around the same time my son left for school in the morning. I took a
sizable cut in compensation to do that, but I’m glad I made the decision
to spend more time at home.
Although
not all solo parents have to sacrifice higher pay and upward mobility
to be more available to their children, they may opt for night shifts,
flex time, and part-time work. Increasingly, organizations understand
that flexibility results in a more dedicated workforce, and thus today’s solo parents, more than ever, are able to create schedules around their family’s needs. Sometimes
such choices can mean creating new career paths. “I quit my job as a
social worker to offer childcare in my home, so I could stay home with
my children and pay my bills,” says solo mom Heidi Kronenberg. “I loved
being home with my son and daughter, and they enjoyed having other
children around.” Once both children were in elementary school,
Kronenberg returned to social work and then ultimately started her own
business focused on behavioral health and counseling. “My experience
with in-home childcare provided skills that translated well to starting a
business,” explains Kronenberg.
Working
from home (a requirement for most of us during the Covid-19 pandemic)
is another strategy that solo parents employ to ease the daily juggle —
whether that’s a few times a week or a fully remote position. Shantell
Witter, a “mompreneur” in Atlanta, made the decision to homeschool so that she could sustain her multiple businesses, including Only with Love Books,
a BIPOC-focused bookstore for families, and two education-oriented
businesses. By merging her business interests with her desire to
homeschool, Witter achieves a fulfilling balance. Building Pragmatic Support Networks
Solo
parent creativity extends beyond time management and unique work
arrangements. I’ve been amazed at some of the clever ways that solo
parents alleviate some of the work/family grind by building support
networks — some of which include their own children. Former solo mom
Cheryl Dumesnil recalls,
When
my kids were tweens, if I had to work uninterrupted in my home, I would
tell them I would pay them each $5 to babysit the other. The catch was
each kid got to tell me if his babysitter sibling deserved to be paid.
Cheapest childcare ever! I’d get three to four hours of work done for
$10.
I
myself used to have the kids “play chef” one night a week, where they
made dinner. They thought it was fun, and I had time to get some extra
work done. What’s more, evidence suggests that children of solo parents
are more resilient and self-sufficient because they are expected to participate in household tasks rather than just do chores. In-person
and virtual networking are also critical for solo parents. The most
impactful networks are a blend of close connections and people you don’t
know that well: Friends and family offer meaningful bonds, while
acquaintances give you access to information you might not get from your
inner circle. A close-knit group of parents might know all the same
babysitters and after-school programs, while those outside your circle
may know about resources you wouldn’t otherwise hear about, such as a
new or little-known program in a neighboring town. The same is true for
Facebook and other online support groups. The more varied the network,
the more diverse information you have access to.
Your
community and network can also alleviate some of the stress of daily
meals and errands. A once-a-week potluck not only takes the burden off
dinner that night, but also allows for connection and support. Food
exchanges with friends solves the interminable question, “What’s for
dinner?” Teaming up with another parent while shopping, running errands,
or just spending time at the playground is another effective strategy.
Solo mom Chaya Beyla suggests, “Asking a friend to ride around with you
while you run errands provides socialization and someone
to wait in the car with your sleeping toddler while you rush into the
store, bank, or post office.” You can also set up clothing swaps,
childcare, and carpooling in your network.
Despite
all the obstacles, working parents without partners at home have
figured out how to make the most out of their time, home and work life,
and networks. Through unique and creative problem solving, they’ve found
new ways to press forward and be the best parents they can be under
challenging circumstances.
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